It is extremely stressful and frustrating to have someone around you who loses temper and flares up easily. You wonder why you are the only one with such pricks around you, but if you look on the bright side, these type of people exist everywhere you go. One thing for sure, whether it is you or the other person fuming, that in itself can take a toll on those around you. There is no magic bullet, but it is wiser to train your emotions. Following are the tips on how to wisely manage your anger and deal with others who have lost control of theirs.

Psychological Master in Emotional Control

There are people who fume when stressed. Feeling humiliated and angry due to the most insignificant matters, these people explode in negative emotions. When feeling ignored, they instinctively react and strive to protect self-love. On other hand, there are people who rarely loses temper. They disregard others’ evaluation of them and have high self-confidence, thus are rarely swayed by others. They also excel in controlling their emotions, so there is no need to raise their voice. They are good listeners, heeding to what the angry person has to say and gets information as to why the other person is angry. Moreover, they can use information gained to devise a strategy and tactic so as to have the other person under control. It is possible to avoid a wrangling and fight while pin pointing the wrongdoings of the other, waging a sensible retaliation. In order to become a perfect psychological master, we have to look at the characteristics of a psychological beginner. That way, we can avoid temper flares and think rationally.

Step 1. Understand Characteristics of Hot-Tempered People

① They Overestimate Themselves

They fume over nothing. They flare up when feeling ignored, but in fact they are sad and upset for feeling unaccepted and not respected by others.

② They Trigger Self-Defense Mechanism

They tend to overreact, feeling their inferior complex has been attacked. They fail to see things objectively and completely lose their emotional control. It is unfortunate if their past trauma or pain is the reason, but they too are hot-tempered individuals.

③ They Rely on Others

They expect others to give back what they have given out to them. If not, they are caught up in rage. Such is the characteristic of people with ill-formed self-love, who are highly attuned to a sense of shame and anger.

④ They Lash Out Their Negative Emotions

They turn to others’ as their emotional outlet. Usually they lash out their emotions to close friends or acquaintances or those who are younger, good-natured or naïve. This is a very bad habit, a very childish and immature thing to do.

⑤ They Flare Up to for Their Demand

These type of people always crave to gain attention and be accepted by others. They nitpick on small things and flare up. If someone keeps on losing his or her temper, there is no need to react to them each time. The following tips are how to bring everything under control.

Step 2. The Best Revenge is Ignoring 

Of course, the best revenge is ignoring, but it is easy said being done. Once you feel bad, you cannot think or react rationally. Then, what about using a “switch off” approach? If reaction is inevitable, then it is recommended let’s say to wait a few hours, before responding. Or put on a face as if insinuating, “I don’t want to pick a fight with a petty psychological beginner!” Some times facial expressions can deliver a stronger message than harsh words.

Step 3. Wait for 6 Seconds

You also need some time to coordinate emotions that flare up. Many people must have experienced of having to end a relationship because of some harmful words blurted out in anger. Our brain, when stimulated with negative emotions, delivers them to amygdala, “the brain of instincts”. Imagine someone saying a few words to provoke you. It only takes 3 seconds for you to feel hurt, for your blood pressure to go up and your face to stiffen. It is enough time to swear, punch or slap back. However, instinctive and animalistic reactions will only become regrets with time.

 Then, how much time is needed to deliver stimulations to cerebral cortex, “brain of reason?” It also takes 3 seconds to relay these stimulations to the cerebral cortex that governs thoughts and language. This means that no matter who provokes you, if you wait and endure 6 seconds, you can think rationally. If you bear the very moment where reason and emotion are well-coordinated, you can prevent the “tongue-killing-a-human” accident. If not, you may have to opt for a separation of no return. And yet, you have to be ready to pause for a 6 seconds and listen to what the other person has to say.

Firstly, close your eyes and straighten your back. Then for 3 seconds, take a deep breath, and when exhaling, slightly open your mouth to let a long breath, as if you are exhaling out everything until your abdomen and your back stick together. You may have experienced such “abdominal breathing” sometime in your life. It is a simple way of breathing yet is magical in that it harmoniously coordinates your autonomous system. If you still need time to get your anger under control, then try repeating this breathing five times. You will be surprised to see how it makes you feel calm. Devote “6 seconds to save your relationship” to wisely manage your anger and engage in a relaxing conversation.

Written By. Professor Park, Sang-mi